Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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