dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
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it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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