Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
