sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
