I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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