The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
