So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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