You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
