Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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