It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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