so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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