Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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