i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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