So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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