Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
