I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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