At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Swine flu is the new snow day.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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