Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Even my vagina gasped.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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