***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
