Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
