she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
