what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
