Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
