I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
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My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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