You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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