six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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