dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
