I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
