I'm going to jail i love you
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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