Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
