Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
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i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
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Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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