I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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