At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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