Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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