Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
