this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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