i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
