I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
