My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
