I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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