Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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