the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
