yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
