Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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