i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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