I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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