I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
