it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
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Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
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Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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