On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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