Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
