a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
