the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
