there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
