I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
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My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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