i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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