gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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