He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
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how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
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It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
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