he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
