I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
