Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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