i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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