You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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