I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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